Bleeding Heart
by fingertips
Summary: Mark’s diary from 3 years after Mimi almost dies that one fateful night. Things haven’t been easy for him, or anyone, so he decides to write it all down. And just in time, so it seems, because not long after, something unexpected happens. Mark/Collins MA
1. Chapter 1

Author's Intro/ Disclaimer: I wrote this fic a while back for a group of about 10 friends who wanted to see my writing. Never published it online (I think…I hope) and am now going to use it to revive this account. Feel free to review to your heart's desire, but don't expect much to change – I've already written the whole thing. But, I will always take your critiques into mind for future stories. Read my profile to learn more about how I write. Need I say, these characters aren't mine? Long live Jonathan Larson!

It's Mark's diary from 3 years after the whole family comes together after Mimi almost dies that one fateful night. Things haven't been easy for him, or anyone, so he decides to write it all down. And just in time, so it seems, because not long after, something very unexpected happens. Mark/Collins mature themes.

Most of the chapters are really short, but they get longer towards the end.

* * *

Angel is gone. Three years now. Roger is gone. We always thought he would last longer than Mimi, but he didn't. He insisted on practicing on the roof at night and stopped taking his AZT. Mimi was more careful and lived on after Roger died, but it wasn't easy. I broke her drug habit just like I had for Roger. Joanne gave up on Maureen, she couldn't handle it and broke it off. Maureen decided that she didn't fit in here anyway and she would only be able to make it big in Hollywood, so she left, just like that. It was then Mimi, Joanne, Collins, and myself, all living in the loft. Mimi died about three months ago. For the first time we were able to pay for the funeral without Benny's help, but he still came. There's a mini-Benny now. Allison forgave him for having an affair with Mimi after he bought her a car for her birthday. And they used to say Maureen had me whipped. Hah! So yes, Mini-Benny, as Collins and Joanne call him, is always trying to hang with "Uncle Tom, Uncle Mark, and Aunt Joanne" as he calls us. The kid is only two but Benny pays us to baby-sit, and he makes a good object to film. Me, I'm still single. Well, am single. I wasn't a little while back. When Maureen left for L.A. Joanne and I had a short little fling. Mostly physical. She broke it off when she realized she couldn't become emotionally attached to any guy, girls only for her. But we're still really close as friends. So, that brings you up to date on me/us. I'll try to stick with this, but don't count on it. Nothing much exciting going on anymore.

~ Mark


	2. Chapter 2

Author's Intro/ Disclaimer: Same as before. Character aren't mine. Long live Jonathan Larson!

* * *

Something really interesting happened today. Really really interesting. I'm still totally confused. Collins kissed me. Yeah, I know, weird. It wasn't just out of the blue, but I still wasn't expecting it. I asked him why he hadn't attempted to start a new relationship with someone else. He said he couldn't do that to Angel and that he still loved him. I told him I thought it would be okay, and that Angel would want him to be happy. No Day But Today, right? He just wasn't sure. He claimed that he was really happy just having friends. But when I pointed out how much our numbers had dwindled in the past couple of years he realized I was right. He's in really great health, but he's still afraid that he would leave someone behind, break their heart. He didn't want to hurt anybody. So I told him he should try it out, and if it doesn't work out, just get out of it before it gets too serious. And then he kissed me. I didn't back away. Could that have been sending the wrong signal? I didn't know what to do. I've always been there for all my friends. It's kind of been my policy to always be there to help them through hard times. And they always know I'm here if they need me. I would have felt bad if denied him. I think he realized I was a tad uncomfortable, because it was a short kiss on the lips, and then he backed away, nothing more. We sat side by side for who knows how long, silent. Eventually I got up and so did Collins. It's been a little awkward tonight. He kept his head down whenever he walked by me. I hope he's not ashamed. I don't want him to be like that. I tried smiling at him to tell him it was okay, but I don't think he noticed. I think Joanne suspects something. She knows something is not right. I think I'm going to tell her. I'll keep you informed.

~ Mark


	3. Chapter 3

Author's Intro/ Disclaimer: Same as always. Character aren't mine. Long live Jonathan Larson!

* * *

I told Joanne. She was amused but I told her not to laugh, so she was more serious. This is the third day in a row that Collins hasn't said anything to me more than the absolute necessary stuff, like, "do you want some coffee?" Joanne said that she would talk to him for me so that it wasn't super awkward between us anymore. The tension has been really high and all of us are suffering from it. I miss having Collins as a friend. I hope this works itself out very soon. That's all for now.

~ Mark


	4. Chapter 4

Author's Intro/ Disclaimer: Same as always. Character aren't mine. Long live Jonathan Larson!

* * *

Joanne talked to Collins. She told me that he's just really upset and feels stupid for kissing me. I was right, he is ashamed. From talking to Joanne, I've decided that I'm cool with it. I'm not really sure if I'm ready to be in a relationship with him, but I'm not going to hold it against him or anything. I told Joanne this and she says she's not even sure if Collins wants a relationship and he might have even been acting impulsively. She thinks that I should go talk to him on my own to make sure that he is okay, and to tell him that I'm okay. I'm not sure if I'm going to do it or not. It is still really awkward between us. But I also don't want it to just slip both of our minds without ever discussing it. Maybe I will talk to him. I'm just not sure.

~ Mark


	5. Chapter 5

Author's Intro/ Disclaimer: Same as always. Character aren't mine. Long live Jonathan Larson!

At last, a long one!

* * *

So Joanne basically forced me to talk to Collins. She yelled at me and called me a "selfish little bitch." Apparently she was stressed out from having to be the go-between for me and Collins. She wouldn't pass on any more messages for either of us. So I went to him. I'm going to try to tell/convey what happened as clearly as possible, but it is a little blurry.

Ok, so Joanne purposely made an excuse to get out of the house. And as she left she said, "I'm going out, maybe you two could, uhh, talk…or something," blatantly hinting that she intended for us to take this time to figure out what was going on. Collins was on the couch, watching TV. I was in the kitchen fixing a cup of coffee. When I was done I stayed in the kitchen, watching him intently. I think he felt like I was watching him because not much later he turned around to check and see if I was still there. He smiled. It was the first time I had seen him smile since it had happened. "It's nice to see you smiling again," I said to him, but there was no response. I took my cup of coffee over and sat on the couch. It's not a very big couch, but big enough that if I sat on the total opposite end of where he was sitting, there were about two feet between us. More silence. Since he always tended to be the more outgoing one, I was hoping that he would say something first, but he didn't, so I was going to have to break the ice. I had to do it. There was nothing else I could do. I turned to him. "Collins, listen, I'm not upset about what happened."

"You're not?" He looked at me, surprised, I think.

"No, it's cool really."

"Mark, I'm really really sorry."

"Don't be."

"No, I shouldn't have. It was totally out of place. I don't know what I was thinking."

"Really, Collins, stop, I said it was okay."

"Well I saw how uncomfortable it made you."

"I was fine, really."

"You were shaking like a freezing lunatic."

"It was cold in the apartment," my lame attempt at an excuse.

"No it wasn't. Good try though." He laughed. I laughed with him. It was still really awkward.

"I wasn't uncomfortable though. I was just…ehh…unexpecting."

"Well, I am really sorry."

"God, stop saying you're sorry. I don't want you to be sorry, you didn't do anything wrong." My voice was raised, but I didn't mean to yell at him. Collins seemed confused. "Listen, that kiss," I said to him, "I don't know what it meant to you but it meant something to me."

"What do you mean, Mark?"

"I…I don't really know what I mean, I just know that I…well…I…why didn't I back away?" I was a stuttering idiot it was it meant.

"Oh, I don't know, you were frozen in shock?"

"I mean, well I kind of was, but I don't think that was it. I wanted to be there for you, I want to help you through this."

"I know, but it was inappropriate for me to ask that much of you."

"But I didn't mind." I made sure I wasn't looking at him so that no eye contact was made. But I know he was watching me. My hands were folded across my chest and my left knee was bouncing up and down uncontrollably. He could probably tell that my heart was thumping like crazy. I had just admitted that I had enjoyed the kiss and now I was waiting for his reaction. It seemed like forever. Finally he reached over to me, leaving the two feet of space between us, but reached across my chest and took my left hand in both of his hands. I let him do it. His hands were warm, mine were freezing.

"You're hands are freezing."

"I'm a nervous wreck."

"Why."

"I don't know." I did know, but I didn't tell him. And I still didn't look at him. He let go with one hand and interlocked his fingers of his hand still holding mine, with mine. He leaned over, still keeping the two foot gap, preparing for what to come next, I closed my eyes. His free hand came to my cheek and rested there. With his guidance, I turned my head towards him, my eyes still closed. Soon thereafter, I felt his lips slowly brush against mine. The sensation was familiar, and nice. The contact broke, but then resumed, this time with more pressure than before. In my head I was relaxed, but my body was showing that I was still nervous. Suddenly, Collins pulled away.

"You're shaking like crazy." He said to me. He was close and I could feel his breath on me.

"Don't stop." I said to him, eyes jammed shut.

"What?"

"Please, don't stop." I waited for him to start again. But there was nothing.

"Mark, open your eyes," he whispered gently and I listened. I opened my eyes for the first time in about a minute. I waited for him to say something.

"What are we doing?"

"Huh?"

"I don't want you to be doing this for me."

"I know."

"So…?"

"Collins, I want this for me…I think."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah"

"Why are you crying?" A tear rolled down my cheek.

"I was just so confused this past week."

"Hey, it's okay." Why was he comforting me, when I was always the one doing the comforting?

"I enjoyed it. And I didn't know why. And I wanted to talk to you. But I couldn't. And I…I just didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to think. God, this is crazy.

"Whoa man, breathe. Hey, it's okay."

"I'm sorry."

"No, no, it's okay. I just wanted to make sure that you weren't doing this for me or anything. I definitely don't want to force you onto anything. You have to want this for yourself."

"I do…"

"You sure?"

"Yeah."

"You're still shaking."

"Well I'm still a nervous wreck. My heart is pounding."

"Awww, Mark, come here."

I closed the gap. We sat, both facing the same direction so that he was behind me. He put his arms around my torso and pulled me in tight. I felt his chest on my back and his chin rested on my shoulder. I leaned my head back and to the side so that it rested on his chest. He's much taller than me. We stayed like this for a moment or two. It was so comforting to be held tightly in his arms. Gradually I began to relax. After about five minutes he whispered to me.

"You stopped shaking."

"I know." We both laughed. I lifted my head and turned towards the shoulder that his chin had been resting on. Our lips met. His arms were still tight around me but I tried to shift my body so that we were more comfortable and not straining to reach each other, but he held me there. I felt his tongue on my tightly closed lips. When I relaxed I felt his tongue slip into my mouth. I opened my mouth more, hopefully encouraging him. All I did was sit there and return the pressure from his lips. I wanted him to be in control. I had never kissed a man before, and Maureen usually tended to just skip the kissing part and move right to the sex. Joanne had taught me a little, but she didn't require much and there was never really a strong emotional attachment between us.

I think Collins realized that I was submissive to him, or at least he willingly took control. He pushed his mouth harder against mine, requiring more from me in return. I obliged, praying that the kissing technique was the same whether you were with a girl or a guy. He didn't complain so I felt a little more confident. With this, my body was now fully relaxed, and this may have been what he was waiting for. I felt him shift his body behind me, but he still held me tightly in his arms. Then, he moved one arm so that one hand was pressing against my chest and the other against my back. Lifting me up, he scooted his legs under me so that I was now in his lap and then he leaned me back, but not all the way. He kissed me hard and supported me against his own force by clasping his hands behind my back to keep me up. This, while nice, didn't last for long. He simultaneously laid my head back against a pillow, which had been strategically placed at the opposite end of the couch from where I had been sitting almost 45 minutes ago when our conversation started, and slid his legs out from under me so that I was now flat on the couch and he was on top of me. He kept his legs off to the side of mine but had an arm above each of my shoulders, keeping him up (I think he was afraid to crush me.) Once again, his lips met mine. This time, very softly, in an almost teasing sort of way. My body tingled. I became aroused, and I think he knew because I started breathing heavily again, even though I tried to hide it. My hands found their way to the side of his face, pulling him into me with another deep kiss. One of his hands rested on the crotch of my pants. I gasped. This was torture. Why would he not go any farther? He just kissed me passionately. I sighed, aching for more, but knowing I probably, wasn't going to get it, not now at least.

The door to the loft opened. Joanne was home. My heart raced again. Collins moved his hand but he was clearly still on top of me and I was obviously in bliss.

"Glad to see you two sorted things out." She said, trying to be sincere and not laugh, both Collins and I blushed. "I'm just going to put these groceries away. Don't let me get in the way."

Collins leaned down and kissed me one last time, and then we both sat up.

So it turns out things aren't really as blurry as I thought they were. Something tells me I won't be forgetting this in the near future.

~ Mark


	6. Chapter 6

Author's Intro/ Disclaimer: Same as always. Character aren't mine. Long live Jonathan Larson!

* * *

It's quite obvious that I'm happier than I've ever been in a really long time. Yesterday was one of the best experiences I have had, even compared to when I was with a girl. It's fair to say that things are "much" better between me and Collins. Collins has definitely been in a better mood. I've never really realized how cute and romantic he is. He was doing all sorts of cutesy little things last night. He would sneak up behind me and put his arms around my waste and squeeze me tight and then kiss the back of my neck because he knew it made my whole body tingle. At dinner he held my hand under the table and kept smiling at me, and of course I was blushing like crazy. Joanne just laughed as she tried to read the signals that were flying between me and him. Then, that evening we were all sitting on the couches watching TV and Collins put his arm around me. I rested my head on his chest and let him hold me, but I felt like a little kid with his mother, oh well, it was a comforting feeling. After a while Joanne got up and went to bed, but Collins and I stayed. I lay down on my back with my head in his lap and he held my hand in one of his and ran the fingers on his other hand through my hair. It was very relaxing just to lay there with him, worrying about nothing. I could have fallen asleep that way but I think Collins was uncomfortable sitting up.

"Mark, it's 1:00 in the morning, we should go to bed."

"Oh, right. Yeah." I sat up, stretched a little and then stood up. He stood up behind me and once again hugged me from behind resting his chin on my shoulder. I turned and met his mouth with mine, drawling us into a deep long kiss. This time I was able to free myself and turn around to face him. He pulled me against him until we both needed to breathe, then pulled back and kissed me on the forehead before saying "Goodnight." We went our separate ways into our own rooms.

~ Mark


	7. Chapter 7

Author's Intro/ Disclaimer: Same as always. Characters aren't mine. Long live Jonathan Larson!

* * *

So Collins and I are definitely a couple now. He's all out and proud about it but I'm still a little shy. I'm not ashamed or anything, just trying to figure some things out. I guess it would be fair to say that I am bisexual, even though I really don't have feelings for guys in general, just Collins. And I am definitely still into girls. Joanne says that we make an amusing couple. I guess that's just because Collins appears to be this big tough black guy, and then there is me, Mark, the pale skinny nerdy kid. Oh well, I still think we complement each other nicely. Collins keeps doing the cute romantic things. He gets way too much pleasure out of teasing me. And our relationship is totally open, even with Joanne there. We really don't hide anything thing from her. Today I was in the kitchen with Joanne and Collins was on the couch and he called for me.

"Mark?"

"Yeah."

"Come here."

"Why? I'm helping Joanne."

"I want to make out with you?"

"What?" Joanne was laughing.

"Just get over here."

"Uhhh, okay." I went over to him and he pulled me into a deep kiss. Of course, I gave in and kissed him back.

"God, Get a room, would you?" Joanne was still in the kitchen, laughing. "I don't need to see that."

"Alright boy, we'll finish this later," Collins said to me as he pulled away. We both smiled innocently.

~ Mark


	8. Chapter 8

Author's Intro/ Disclaimer: Same as always. Characters aren't mine. Long live Jonathan Larson!

* * *

There was more making out today. Collins and I just can't seem to be able to keep our hands off of each other. Oh well, we are both happy. I'm glad that this isn't a relationship focused on just the physical aspect. Collins and I are both emotionally attached, and therefore our physical relationship isn't rushed or anything. We both are perfectly happy holding hands or sitting with his arms around me, my head rested on his shoulder. Our relationship is working out really well. There's never really been any issue with who goes where. I love being held and he loves holding me tightly.

~Mark


	9. Chapter 9

Author's Intro/ Disclaimer: Same as always. Characters aren't mine. Long live Jonathan Larson!

Uh oh! Angst!

* * *

I'm beginning to wonder if my relationship with Collins is ever going to go farther than romantic make out sessions on the couch while Joanne is out. It's been a week now and nothing further has happened. I mean, I'm not upset or anything, and I'm willing to take it slow if that's how he wants it, I guess I just figured things would go farther. I don't know, but I also don't want to be the one who breaks that line. But then again, maybe Collins doesn't know that I want more. Ahh, the torture of figuring out relationships. Maybe this is another time I should go to Joanne. I'm being stupid, aren't I?

~ Mark


	10. Chapter 10

Author's Intro/ Disclaimer: Same as always. Characters aren't mine. Long live Jonathan Larson!

* * *

I need to stop going to Joanne for help. She really doesn't help. First, she just laughed at me and told me how cute Collins and I were together. Thank you Captain Obvious. She's getting way too much joy out of a relationship she's not even in. Oh well. I asked her what she thought I should do. She thinks I should just make it known to him that I'm willing to go farther and then let him decide whether or not we do. Well, how the hell am I supposed to do that. Nope, I can't do it. I'm too shy. It would be way too weird. Besides the fact that he doesn't know what I'm thinking, Joanne thinks that maybe he's not ready to share something physical like he did with angel. And then it hit. A light bulb went off in both of our heads. The HIV. He doesn't want to hurt me. He's afraid that something might transfer and then I would be sick as well and he doesn't want to bring me down with him. But then again, with all these new medicines and things that have been coming out lately, there is a very good chance that we could both live pretty long lives. He was able to hold out longer than all the others because he was careful and took his AZT and never got sick, and now he might actually live. I do need to talk to him. Tell him I'm not afraid of the disease and that we can battle it together. Oh god, but what if that's not the reason. Ahh, I really hope he does something or says something before I have to.

~ Mark


	11. Chapter 11

Author's Intro/ Disclaimer: Same as always. Characters aren't mine. Long live Jonathan Larson!

* * *

Still nothing out of Collins. Today would have been a good time for something to happen too. Joanne had a meeting and was going to be gone for at least three hours. Collins and I stood by the door, his arm around me, and we wished her good luck.

The second that door closed I decided to take the offensive this time. I finally felt comfortable enough with what I was doing so I turned to him, took his face in my hands and crushed my lips into his. He slowly slid his hands down my sides until they stopped at my hips and he pulled me against him. I think he thought I had been waiting for this because when I stopped to breathe he managed to slip out, "Feisty, are we?" We both laughed. Then he picked me up with an arm under my legs and under my back and started carrying me over to the couch. "Collins stop it, put me down." He ignored me. He laid me down on my back, my head resting on the pillow with him propped overtop of me, our favorite position. I was submissive again. His lips met mine softly in that tortuous way that caused my entire body to tingle. He knows me too well and gets way to much pleasure out of watching me shiver beneath him.

"I hate it when you do that." I said to him.

"I know." He whispered back into my ear. That just made me tingle more. He laughed. "Oh Mark, what am I ever going to do with you."

"Well, umm…" his lips covered mine, not allowing me to finish.

"Shhh," he whispered into my ear. Now I was really trembling.

He kissed my forehead and I relaxed a little, closing my eyes. He planted little kisses all along my jawbone. So much for being relaxed, but my eyes were still closed. I shivered beneath him as his lips brush over my chin and up to one of my ears. He sucked gently on my earlobe and I accidentally let a short moan slip out. He chuckled a little before moving to my other ear. I became hard in my pants. Somehow he always knows when I get hard. He kissed my two eyelids softly and I moaned again. Finally, after what seemed like ages, his lips found mine again. As our tongues swirled around each other's mouths, one of his hands moved to my chest. Slowly, he dragged it down the outside of my t-shirt and then over top my belt, resting it right on top of the bulge in my pants. I took a sharp intake of breath and my eyes jolted open, meeting his. My heart was pounding, but nothing happened. He smiled and then went back to kissing me.

I tried not to act disappointed, because I wasn't, I was just thinking that maybe something would happen, but it didn't. After a while he lay down on his side next to me. He moved his hand from my crotch so that his arm was laying over my chest, keeping me close to him, and he laid his head down on my chest.

"Mark."

"Yeah?"

"I love this, I love what we have together."

"Me too."

"Even with Angel, we never really got to just lay around in each other's arms, not worrying about anything. What Angel and I had was really special and I don't think anything could ever replace that. But this, this is really special too, in a different way, and I love you mark. You're not Angel's replacement; you're a different person, a different love, a different life. I just wanted you to know that. "

"I know Collins. I love you too." And with that we were silent, eventually falling asleep.

To continue the story, we didn't wake up until later when Joanne was back, she just smiled at us. Collins ran out to get food for dinner so Joanne and I got a chance to talk. I told her what Collins said to me and she said that that sounded hopeful. But, she also said that I can't complain if I'm not willing to say anything to him. Which I'm not. I've really opened up a lot lately, but I'm still too shy to approach him like that. This sucks.

~ Mark


	12. Chapter 12

Author's Intro/ Disclaimer: Same as always. Characters aren't mine. Long live Jonathan Larson!

* * *

Well, Collins and I finally talked. In my confusion I think I became a little distant. I walked in the loft from doing some filming in Tompkins Square Park. All I heard was Collins and Joanne in the kitchen area.

"Talk to him."

"No."

"Yes."

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"I can't."

"You have to."

"No."

"Yes."

"Fine."

I pretended not to hear them and just went over into my room to file my film away. I decided to wait in there to see if anything happened. After a minute or two, Collins came in.

"Hey kiddo."

"Hey." I smiled and he smiled back. He walked over behind me and put his hands around my waist resting his head on my shoulder. I kept filing my film. When I was done, I turned around in his arms to face him. His lips pressed against mine but I just stood there, not returning the kiss. He got the hint, he's always good at taking hints. He took his hands off of me and stepped back two steps.

"What's going on with you?" he asked clearly concerned.

"I don't know what you mean." I chickened out and played dumb. Last time we had to talk I had to start it, so this time it was his turn.

"Something's not right with you boy."

"Yeah, so."

"So what's going on?"

"I don't know." I stared at his feet, I couldn't bring myself to look at him. I just shrugged my shoulders.

"What do you mean you don't know? You've been distant, Mark. You stopped returning my kisses. You won't snuggle up next to me on the couch when we watch TV. When I try to hold you, you just stand there until I let go and then you walk away. I don't know what I did wrong. You need to talk to me."

"I think you know why."

"You do, you think I'm psychic or something, stop looking at your feet would you." I looked up. He was yelling. Why was he yelling? I didn't want him to yell, I just wanted to talk. Had I hurt him? I didn't mean to hurt him or confuse him by doing those things, I just wanted to get him to talk to me. I wish he would stop yelling.

"No. I talked to Joanne, and I heard you talking to Joanne right before you came over here, so I know you know what's going on."

"Okay, so I know what's wrong, but I still don't understand."

"What's there to understand?" He turned is head away

"I don't understand why you aren't happy with what we have, you and I. I thought we talked about that. You and I, we have something special. You know that."

"I know, and I am happy. I'm the happiest I've ever been in my entire life. Having someone hold me tightly like you do and really love me just makes everything else in this shitty world disappear.

"But you want more?"

"No, Collins, no. I don't need anything more, and I don't want you to think that is what this is about."

"So what is it about? What do you want, Mark? I'm trying. It's not exactly the easiest thing in the world when supposedly you love me but you can't talk to me. You go to Joanne and if I'm lucky I find out from her. You have to talk to me, directly. None of this, "let's see if I can avoid it" shit."

"Stop yelling at me!" I was going insane. My head was exploding. Too many things were racing through my head. I had to make him stop talking so that I could think. He turned away again, ashamed. A tear rolled down my cheek. "I'm sorry." He wouldn't look at me. He sat down on the bed, his face in his hands. I turned my back on him so that I was facing my shelves again. I took a couple of deep breaths giving my self time to think and calm down. "It's the torture."

"What?" I didn't look at him but I imagine he lifted his face to look at me.

"The confusion, not knowing where we are going or what we have."

"I don't think I understand."

I couldn't be a coward any longer. I turned to face him, my face was flushed, tears rolling down my cheeks. "I love it when we stand in the kitchen and kiss. I love it when you come up behind me and hold me as tight as you can. I love it when we sit on the couch and I lay my head in your lap and you run your fingers through my hair. I love it so much, I can't get enough of it. But I hate it when I'm on the couch, you're leaning above me and you put those soft kisses all over my face that make my body tingle and shiver. And then you get me hard and all you do is put your hand there and then it stops, we stop, everything stops. Everything up to that point is great. The torture is unbearable but it's great until it stops and I'm left laying there wanting, needing more. I wouldn't need more if it never got that far, if there was nothing to stop. If those soft tortuous kisses never started, I would still be the happiest person on earth because I love you so much that I don't need sex, I just want to be held. But just because I don't need sex doesn't mean I don't want it after you've already got me hard and your hand is there and I'm waiting, just waiting, forever, for something to happen, and it never does. Nothing ever happens. So, if you'rE not ready to take it farther than this that's perfectly fine with me, but don't make me think you are and then don't do anything about it, because I'm the one who has lock myself in the bathroom and jack-off just to get my fucking erection to go down so that I'm not walking around the place like a total idiot for the rest of the night. And just to let you know, since we're "talking" it's not that pleasuring, I sit in there and cry for a half hour." And with that I left him sitting in the room, his face back in his hands. Joanne was still in the kitchen, she had been listening the entire time.

"Come here." She said to me, her arms wide open. I walked over and embraced her, sobbing into her shoulder. I felt like a four year old, but it felt good just to get it out. I needed to get it out and she held me. Not as a lover like Collins does, but as a friend, who is always there for me. "It'll be okay." She said.

"I'm sorry." I said between sobs.

"No, don't be. I'm proud of you. It takes a lot of gut to come out and say what you truly are feeling, even if it's the hardest thing on earth. Even if you're afraid you're going to hurt someone you love. But it'll be okay. He understands now and everything will be better soon. Dinner's ready."

"Oh god. I don't think I can eat right now. I'm sorry. My head is pounding."

"That's fine. Why don't you go lay down in my room?"

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, go ahead."

"Thanks, Joanne."

"No problem." She smiled at me. I turned and walked towards her room. Collins was still sitting on my bed with his head in his hands.

I didn't sleep. I just laid down on my side on top of her comforter and cried some more. Once I was safely in the room with the door shut I heard her faintly talking to Collins.

"Your turn," she said. Good old Joanne, she's the best. He must have gotten up because my bedroom was on the other side of the place and I could hear him talking.

"Joanne, I didn't mean to hurt him like that. I had no idea. I would have done something a lot earlier had I known."

"Well duh, that's why I made you talk to him. Although I have to admit yelling at him probably didn't help."

"I didn't mean to yell at him. God, I feel like shit now."

"Hey, just give him some time and take it slow. He's fragile. He's really never been in a relationship before. He was Maureen's slave and we never really had anything. This is totally new ground for him, and it doesn't help that you suffered a lot of emotional pain after Angel died. When you kissed him that first day that was your way of telling the world you were ready to move on, and he knows how lucky he was to be on the receiving end of that. But you have to remember that you have experience and he doesn't that's why he's the submissive one and you're usually in control. He's shy and unsure with himself and he doesn't know what to do. He's afraid to talk to you.

"I see that. I mean you'd think that we'd be able to talk fine, we've known each other for ages, and yet, he goes to you and not me."

"Well that's because the relationship between you has shifted from friends to lovers. And when you loose that sense of friendship you lose some of the ability to express what you are feeling. He trusts you with his life, yet what he's found in you is so great that he's scared to death that he's going to loose it and doesn't want to take the chance of compromising that."

"But how do I change that. How do I let him know that he can tell me anything and that I'll still love him?"

"Well, you could start by not yelling at him when he does tell you something."

"It was an impulse reaction."

"Impulse or not, if that's how you react he's going to be less likely to talk to you. He's fragile, you have to remember that. "

"Okay, but what else. I don't yell at him very often."

"Just make talking a regular part of your relationship. Even if it's not something important, when something important does need to be discussed it will come out easier.

"Okay, I think I can do that.

"And be more decisive when it comes to how you guys show your affection."

"Yeah. I really didn't realize or know and I wouldn't have done it if I did."

"I know, but now you need to fix that. Just take it slow as you get back into it."

"Okay. Thanks Joanne. You're a lifesaver."

"You going to have dinner?"

"Nah, sorry. I think I might go lay with him."

"Uhh…no. Bad idea. He's still a mess. Just give him some time. Slow remember?"

"Right. Okay. Well then I'm just going to go for a walk and think things over too. "

"Alright, see you later."

"Thanks again." And with that I could hear someone, presumably Collins, open and shut the heavy door to our loft. I sighed and tried to clear my head, closing my eyes. But I still couldn't sleep.

~Mark


	13. Chapter 13

Author's Intro/ Disclaimer: Same as always. Characters aren't mine. Long live Jonathan Larson!

* * *

I didn't sleep all night. I just laid there thinking. Things swirling around in my head in total mass chaos. Things that hadn't entered my head once since those first couple of days after Collins kissed me were now suddenly flooding back into my head. I thought of Angel and the love and all the great things she brought to our group. She got Roger out of the house, she tried to keep Maureen and Joanne, and Roger and Mimi from fighting. It was the first time Collins had ever loved someone. She helped us all to grow so much. And then she was gone, just as fast as she had entered our lives, less than a year later, she was gone from our eyes, but not from our hearts. I cried. Then there was the time when Roger went to Santa Fe. I was so lonely here in the house. I had no idea what the hell I was doing with my life. Had Roger been right when he yelled at me before he left? Then he came back and we thought things would be fine, but we couldn't find Mimi. Then there was Christmas Eve when we found her but almost lost her. She was about to slip, like Angel had, but we got lucky. Roger was given a second chance. But they knew it wouldn't last long. They spent every minute they could with each other and with us, me and the others. Roger had a lot of apologizing to do, a lot to make up for in a very little amount of time, but he managed, and he died a happy man. The fact that he was happy should have made me happy but it didn't. I was miserable. I should have been ready, I had more than 2 years to prepare, but he was my best friend, I didn't want him to go. Of course Mimi, Collins, Joanne, Maureen and even Benny were there for me like I had been for them in years past, but that couldn't change anything. I cried some more. After that our family crumbled. Mimi used up her nine lives and Maureen decided to move west. All of a sudden 8 was down to three, Benny doesn't count, even though we're nice to each other, things will never be like they were when he still lived with us. I cried. Not over Benny but over all the good memories and great laughs that our family had together. That chapter of the book is done now. I should be able to close it and move on. I'm a new person. I'm older, I'm wiser, and well, my family is a little smaller, but I'm different. Yet still, there are times when I want to take that closed book from its shelf and flip through the pages, remembering the old times, the old me. I cried some more. I don't know why I cried, it just needed to happen.

Night went by very slowly and then I watched the sun rise behind the shades in Joanne's room. There is no clock in her room. I had lost total track of the time, it felt like days and yet I didn't want to get off the bed. I just laid there, wide awake. Sometime before noon Joanne came in.

"I made some tea."

"No thanks." I didn't look at her, I just spoke from where my head was lying.

"Right. How are you doing?"

"I'm fine."

"Did you sleep?"

"No."

"I heard you crying all night long, just wanted to make sure you weren't dehydrated or anything."

I laughed. Joanne is always good for a laugh. "Thanks, but I think I'm alright."

"Okay, suit yourself. I take it you don't plan on getting out of bed anytime soon?"

"Not really."

"Okay. Well when your ready I'm sure there's something exciting to do. It's not like we live in New York City or anything."

"Maybe later."

"Alright," she left.

"Joanne," I called after her.

"Yeah?"

"Did Collins come back?"

"What?"

"Did he come back, from his walk?"

"Yeah, he came back last night. I doubt he slept either." I didn't respond, I just waited for her to leave again.

Not long after I could hear voices out in the main room again.

"He asked about you."

"He did?"

"Wanted to make sure you came home."

"Oh."

"He cried all night long."

"God. I feel like shit. I want to go be with him, but I don't know what he'd do."

"I think you're okay now."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Don't say anything. Just go lay with him."

Collins came into Joanne's room. I was curled up on my side, on top of the bed, facing away from the door. I was crying and shaking. I felt Collins lay down behind me. He put his chest right up against my back and an arm over me grasping my hand that was lying next to my stomach. With his other hand he smudged the tears off my cheek and then started stroking my hair. He held me against him tighter than he ever had before, but I was still shaking. Not a word was said. We both fell asleep this way.

~ Mark


	14. Chapter 14

Author's Intro/ Disclaimer: Same as always. Characters aren't mine. Long live Jonathan Larson!

When I woke up five hours later I felt much better. Collins was still holding me tight, reminding me of the awkwardness that we still had to tackle, but everything was so much more optimistic now. I moved my free hand on top of his, which was still grasping my other hand.

"Mark. I didn't realize you were awake." He let go of me except for my hand and sat up, I followed.

"Just woke up," I said, rubbing my eyes with my free hand. "Did you sleep?"

"Yeah, I haven't been up for long."

"Oh." And the awkwardness beings.

"Let just get this over with." He took my other hand in his other hand. "I am so sorry that I hurt you," he said slowly, articulating every word. "I had no idea – if I had known – if you had talked to me – "

"It's hard Collins."

"I know it's hard, but you can do it. I know you can do it. You know how I know, because we, you and I, we have a past. Back in the day, whenever you were upset about something or pissed at Roger, Maureen, or Benny, before Joanne ever came along, you always came to me. And we were always able to talk through it and work things out. And things always ended up okay. Now I'm not saying stop talking to Joanne, that woman has some good advice and can really knock some sense into both of us. But, what I am saying is we used to be friends, and now we're lovers, but we can't let that cover over the friendship that forged all of this, we still have to trust and love, and not be afraid to talk to each other.

"I was afraid to hurt you."

"Yes, but you were the one being hurt by not saying anything. No matter what, I will never stop loving you. You can call me a mother-fucking shit-head for all I care and I will still love you. Don't be afraid to talk to me. We're in this together. Okay?"

"Okay."

"Now, stop crying before you dry up like the desert. Kissing a desert is no fun. Not that I would know, I'm just assuming." We both laughed. He put his thumbs to my cheeks and smudged the tears away before his lips met mine. We kissed softly and slowly, but only for a short time before he broke it and just hugged me.

~Mark


	15. Chapter 15

Author's Intro/ Disclaimer: Same as always. Characters aren't mine. Long live Jonathan Larson!

The good stuff is coming, I promise!

* * *

Everything seems better now. Trying to follow Joanne's advice, Collins and I have little sessions designated to talking about totally random stuff, which usually leads us getting bored, and well when we get bored, you just can't keep us off each other, so we end up making out until Joanne tells us to get a room, at which point we stop and just decide to snuggle, because we're not really ready for that "room-requiring" aspect quite yet. So yeah, here's the make-out scene of the day. Collins and I were discussing one of the many theories that got him kicked out of MIT, something about how government is pointless. I wasn't really following what he was saying so I just said "yeah", "uh huh", and "that's cool" whenever I deemed necessary. He caught me.

"So Mark, do you think the student had a good point?"

"That's cool."

"What!?"

"Wait, oops, what was the question?" We both laughed.

"Nice to know you were paying attention."

"I can't help it. Anarchy isn't exactly stimulating for me."

"So what have you been doing for the last ten minutes?"

"Watching your lips."

"My lips, what the fuck?"

"Yeah, your lips are very expressive when you talk."

"Is that a good thing?"

"Yeah, helps get your emotion across."

"Right," he smiled.

"And you have a nice smile too."

"That I knew."

"Really?"

"Yeah, I smile at myself in the mirror every morning. Makes me feel pretty, you know."

"Ahhh, you are pretty."

"Pretty. You had to use the word pretty. You couldn't use handsome or sexy. Pretty?"

"Well you said it first."

"That was your cue for an ego booster."

"Oh, I see, then in that case, you're a sexy beast."

"Guys, please, I'm still in the room." Whoops. We had totally forgotten about Joanne.

"Sorry Joanne!" We both said, laughing.

"Yeah, sure." She walked into her room.

"So, you think I'm a sexy beast, ey?" Collins said so that Joanne couldn't hear. He had one eyebrow raised in a skeptical sort of way.

"I confess. What's a man to do when he's madly in love?" I wasn't very good at playing his game, but at least I tried.

"Awww, you're too cute boy." I smiled. He walked over to where I was sitting and put his hands down in front of me. I put my own hands in his and let him pull me up out of my chair. As our open mouths met as his hands moved to the sides of my shoulders and mine to his hips. It's always funny when we kiss standing up because he's so much taller than me, he has to lean down, even if I stand on my toes. Our kiss was slow and intimate, not fast and needy like they used to be. Now that we were both fully comfortable in the relationship and over the initial of excitement of having someone to love, we decided that slow in everything required more concentration and therefore more intimacy and more passion.

"That doesn't look like talking to me."

"Aww, come on Joanne, we're taking a break." Collins protested her interruption

"Right. And the reason you need a "break" every five minutes is?"

"Look at him, he's so cute, I can't resist." Collins moved so that he was behind me and we were both facing Joanne. He pulled me into one of those tight hugs with one arm, ruffling my hair with his other hand. I couldn't help but to smile innocently and Joanne glared at me.

"Joanne, we need to get you a girl." I tried to make light. It hadn't even occurred to me that she could be jealous. I mean, of course she's not into guys but with Collins and I being affectionate all the time, it's like us and her, instead of just three friends.

"Yes, I'm well aware." The only person she had dated since Maureen was me.

"Well, why don't you try to go and meet someone?" Collins asked.

"I'm not exactly prime real estate. The only reason Maureen dated me was because she could walk all over me."

"Well, I saw more than that in you!" I'm not quite sure if I was helping or not.

"Thanks Mark, but really, I don't need a relationship right now."

"We just feel bad, you must be lonely having to sit around watching us make out all day."

"Well maybe we could take out the "all day" part, and make it "part of the day" so that the three of us can go out and do things.

"Fair enough," said Collins.

"Yeah, sure that's fine with us," I added in agreement.

"Good, well, Benny's dropping the kid by in an hour so, maybe we should clean up a bit."

"You don't think the kid will want to play with beer cans?" Collins asked sarcastically.

"I'm sure he would, but I doubt Benny would approve," answered Joanne.

"Yuppie scum." That's all I had to add.

"Oh come on Mark. It's not that unreasonable to ask that your 2 year old not have access to week old beer cans."

"You know, they say if you start them young then they won't rebel when they are teenagers."

"He's two. And that's Benny's problem, not ours, we just have to make sure he's still alive when Benny comes back. That's it." Joanne is usually the one watching the kid. She doesn't really trust me or Collins with him

"Aww, you're no fun," Collins joked.

"Maybe that's why I can't get a girlfriend."

"Not back to this. Subject change!"

And that was that.

~Mark


	16. Chapter 16

Author's Intro/ Disclaimer: Same as always. Characters aren't mine. Long live Jonathan Larson!

Keep waiting, it'll be worth it!

* * *

Mini-Benny behaved himself. I mean basically we all just sat around the TV with him for three hours trying to find something child-appropriate and yet still interesting. It's not possible. Collins and I made dinner while Joanne tried to get Mike (that's the kid's name) to play hide and go seek. That was rather unsuccessful as well. Benny picked the kid up around 9 and the Joanne, Collins, and I went for a night on the town, most of which I don't remember so therefore I'm not going to bother telling you about. Nothing too eventful happened. Joanne got hit on by three guys, all of whom were quite excited to find out that Collins wasn't her boyfriend, but then quite disappointed to find out she was lesbian. That was really the most exciting thing. It was fun just to hang out, all three of us, having fun. Oh yeah, I almost forgot. Joanne and I secretly decided that our goal for this month is to teach Collins how to Tango. He has no idea yet, so that should be rather amusing. We didn't get home until three in the morning. Collins kissed me goodnight and then went into his room and Joanne went into hers, but then about 10 minutes later Collins was crawling into bed behind me, his arm over my chest and his free hand stroking my hair, just like that day after we fought.

"What is Joanne going to say when she sees us like this in the morning?"

"I don't care," he whispered back. "I just want to hold you. Go to sleep." We fell asleep that way. It's amusing because technically that's considered "sleeping together" but not in the way that everyone else thinks of it. Oh well. Collins and I dare to be different.

~ Mark


	17. Chapter 17

Author's Intro/ Disclaimer: Same as always. Characters aren't mine. Long live Jonathan Larson!

Keep waiting, it'll be worth it!

* * *

When Collins and I got up the next morning, Joanne was in the kitchen making breakfast. She saw us walk out of my room together and looked skeptically at us.

"It was nice of one of you to tell me you were sleeping together."

"We're not," I jumped in immediately.

"Not that way," Collins tried to help.

"Wait, what."

"Well, technically we are 'sleeping' together since we slept in the same bed," I added my analysis.

"But, peoples general understanding of the term "sleeping together" means having sex," finished Collins.

"Which we aren't doing," I made sure to point out.

"Not yet at least," Collins tacked on. I was shocked. My head shot towards him as soon as he said it and then I had to force myself to look away in an attempt to try and hide my amazement. I could tell Joanne was also surprised. She and I had talked all those times and Collins had no idea. Collins walked forward and sat down at the kitchen table. When he wasn't looking Joanne snuck me two thumbs up and we both smiled. Later, I got the chance to talk to her alone.

"Do you think he was hinting at something?"

"It would be a safe guess. I don't know entirely so maybe you should wait for him to do something first."

"But he knows that I'm ready right."

"Well if he listened to a word you said during your fight, you made it 150% clear."

"Okay. So I just wait?"

"You wait, unless you're willing to take the offensive."

"Definitely not."

"Okay, so you wait."

"Darn."

"Mark" She said rather accusingly.

"What?"

"You said you didn't mind either way, that you were happy with just this, that you have now."

"I know, and I'm true to that, I'm satisfied, I'm just excited by the fact that there might be something more, but don't worry, I won't get my hopes up or anything."

"Good, I don't want you getting hurt again."

"Okay.

"Okay."

"When are you going to be out of the house for a long period of time?"

"Mark!"

"Just wondering," I tried to be innocent.

"Two days from now I have a meeting in Jersey. I should be gone for most of the day."

"Two days?"

"You can wait that long."

"Fine."

"Gosh Mark, you two crack me up so much. What would I do without you two to keep me amused all the time."

"You'd probably be giving someone else relationship advice. It's a hidden talent I never knew you had. You could persue it someday if this lawyer thing never works out."

"It's working out fine."

"I'm just saying."

"I'll keep you in mind if I ever need a recommendation or reference, okay?"

"Gladly."

That was the end of our conversation. Now I just have to way for two days. Easier said than done. Hopefully Collins will be able to distract me with his short little antics.

~ Mark


	18. Chapter 18

Author's Intro/ Disclaimer: Same as always. Characters aren't mine. Long live Jonathan Larson!

Okay, now I'm just teasing you guys.

* * *

Is it wrong that I don't even remember what happened today because I was too busy thinking about tomorrow? Oh well. I really really really hope something happens, even though I told Joanne I wouldn't get my hopes up. Collins has been more romantic than ever since yesterday when I made sure that he knew Joanne would be gone all day; I'm hoping that's a step in the right direction. Until then, I'm a total nervous wreck.

~ Mark


	19. Chapter 19 MATURE!

Author's Intro/ Disclaimer: Same as always. Characters aren't mine. Long live Jonathan Larson!

Okay, I give in!

* * *

Finally!! I think it's obvious what happened, but I'm going to tell it like a story. Maybe in the future, Collins and I will come back and read this together and have a grand old time. So, here goes nothing.

Collins and I both woke up at eight to see Joanne off. I made sure to strategically dress in a button down shirt that I rolled the sleeves up on. Once she was gone we made a pot of coffee and poured some cereal. We talked about what we wanted to do that day and decided on the ever-so-specific "I don't know, we could just stay home and be lazy." So with that we changed our topic to something that Collins understood and I didn't.

"I'm having a feeling that you're watching my lips again." That was our code language for 'Mark is bored and confused.'

"Sorry Collins, I just don't care about politics."

"Well then I'm going to go to the store and get some beer."

"We're out of beer? I thought Joanne said we had plenty just last night."

"No, we're out. I shouldn't be long."

"Do you want me to come with you?"

"No." He was abrupt about it…weird. "I can manage. See you in a half hour." And just like that he left, leaving me alone in the loft. As soon as he left walked over to the fridge and opened it. I counted. We had at least 15 cans of beer. So now I was really wondering what Collins was up too, but for the life of me I couldn't think of anything. I just blew it off and decided I would pretend like I suspected nothing. I could play his little game. So, with nothing else to do, and still a nervous wreck, and in total anticipation of the rest of the day, I made my bed for the first time in three years. I also straightened up the place a bit, don't worry, no candles; that would have been really creepy. I couldn't think of anything else that I could do in a half hour that would help clean the place up so I brushed my teeth and took a shower. Wouldn't want to be smelly now would I? I hoped Collins would be home soon. I sat on the couch and tried to pretend like I was watching TV although really I was waiting to hear Collins come in the door. Finally I heard it drag open.

"Hey cutie, I'm back."

"Oh, hey there."

"I got some beer, you want one?"

"Uh, yeah, sure. Just one though."

"Not in the mood to get wasted?"

"No, not really."

"Did you clean the place?"

"I just straightened up a bit."

"Oh, what are you watching?" I heard the fridge open and close.

"Nothing, there's not really anything on." He walked over and sat down next to me, handing me a beer. I immediately snuggled up next to him and he put his arm around me. I handed him the clicker and opened up my can of beer. He flipped through a couple of channels and then just turned it off. He opened his own can of beer. "It's 10 o'clock in the morning and we're drinking beer. Roger would be so proud."

"He sure would. You know what they'd all be proud of?"

"What?" I said to him, trying to restrain my heart to a normal beating speed and not the noticeable acceleration it takes whenever I'm nervous or anticipating something. But, I'm assuming by now that he already had me totally figured out. Oh well, I would just keep playing along.

"Us."

"Us?"

"Yeah, you and me, together. They'd be happy to know that we were able to find happiness."

"That's a rather perverse way of looking at it," I said to him, trying to figure out if he was going somewhere with this or not.

"Well, I don't think any of them would want us sitting around moping about them, they'd want us to go on. Even Roger understood that after we knocked it into his head that he couldn't mope forever over April."

"Yeah, I guess. But isn't that what we're doing? Sitting around doing nothing."

"Nah, we're doing much more than that."

"We are?"

"Yeah. We're being together. And doesn't that make you happy?" Shit, this was not going in the right direction.

"Yeah, it does."

"Mark?"

"Yeah?" God this was taking forever.

"I love you." Awww, how cute.

"I love you too, Collins."

"No, like, I really really love you. I love everything about you." Oh my God I couldn't take it. What was he trying to say?!

"Well, that only begins to describe how I feel about you." I've found that I'm getting better at playing along.

"I know that's not true. I know you love me, but l'll admit that lately I've been a real ass." I took my head off his shoulder and looked at him.

"Don't say that. That's done with, we're fine now, I'm fine now." He took my hands.

"I know, but I still feel bad. I was confusing, and indecisive and non-direct, and I hurt you."

"Collins stop it, I don't want you to get upset. You've already apologized, it's fine, really, stop."

"I want to make it up to you, "he said it nice and clear. This was it, but I couldn't jump with glee like a three year old.

"What?" I quickly smeared a look of confusion across my face.

"I'm going to make it up to you."

"Um, okay." Playing dumb is not the easiest thing in the world, I bet he could have read me from a mile away.

"Give me that." He stood up and took my beer from my hand and carried it, with his, over to the kitchen table where he put them down and then began to walk back over to me.

"Hey. I was drinking that."

"Don't worry, there's plenty more in the fridge." I stood up as he came back around the side of the couch. I smiled at him and he smiled back just before his mouth crushed onto mine. The force at which he came at me was so strong I was almost knocked off my feet, but he held onto me, one hand on each side of my face. Our tongues found each other almost immediately. Once I was stable on my feet, I let my hands find their place on his hips. At first I was desperate, my lips and tongue almost as swift as his. Then I remembered our rule for pleasure and forced myself to slow up. When I got the chance to breathe, I spoke.

"What happened to our 'take it slow' method?"

"Oh right, darn." We both laughed. He came back at me, this time much more slowly and reserved. First a soft closed mouth kiss on the lips and then as our mouths opened our tongues met once again. Using force from his lips and body he encouraged me to sit on the couch, my back against the couch back and my legs apart. He put himself down on top of me, each of his knees next to my hips. Never once did our mouths leave each other and all the time moving very slowly. He moved his hands so that they were above my shoulders pushing against the back of the couch, supporting himself. It became my job to hold him against me. My hands moved up his back so that they rested firmly behind his shoulder blades. We sat like this, kissing passionately, until he could feel that ever so familiar hardness in my pants, except this time it wasn't his hand; he was hard against me as well.

Using that as his cue he leaned back a little, our mouths parting for the first time since I had spoken. I was breathing heavily, my chest rising up and down. He seemed more controlled. He smiled at me before placing a soft kiss on my forehead. He leaned back a little once more, supporting himself with his legs instead of his arms. He took one hand and put it under my elbow, lifting my arm until it rested on the back of the couch. He did the same with my other arm, leaving my entire chest exposed to him. One by one he slowly began to undo the buttons on my shirt, starting at the top. I rested my head back on the top of the couch. We didn't kiss. Instead he stared into my eyes the entire time, neither of us smiling just watching each other intently. I remained in the position he had put me, waiting for a cue from him. I was still breathing heavily.

When he finished with the last button, rather seductively might I add, he pushed the flaps back. I took this as my cue to lean forward and bring my arms in just enough so that he could slip the shirt off behind me. He moved it to the side out of the way. I was still wearing a thin white t-shirt that I always wear under my button-downs. Instead of moving my arms back to the top of the couch, I rested my arms on his shoulders, crossing my wrists behind his neck. He put his hands on my waist and pulled me against him. Our lips met, both mouths already open. As we kissed, his hands moved slowly up my sides gathering my shirt around my breast bone. I broke the kiss and lifted my arms above my head so that he could lift my shirt off.

My arms moved back to his shoulders and I rested my bare chest against his still clothed one as our lips met and tongues entwined once again. His hands moved so that his elbows were close against my sides and the palms of his hands were flat against my back. Holding me like this he leaned forward, forcing my back up against the back of the couch, and now he was the one sitting upright, his knees still by my hips. He moved his hands back to the position above my shoulders where he could support himself using the back of the couch. I moved my hands to his sides. He was wearing a dark grey hooded sweatshirt. I moved my hands up his sides the same way he had done to me. He had to lean back a little, break the kiss, and move his arms so that I could get the sweatshirt off of him without having to get up. It was harder because he was taller than me and above me. Luckily, the t-shirt he was wearing underneath stuck to the inside of the sweatshirt and came off with it.

He leaned back against me, my bare torso sandwiched between his bare muscular chest and the back of the couch. His lips met mine but instead of supporting himself against the couch his hands were against my chest and his elbows bent in tight. The interesting thing about me and Collins is that we could have stayed like this, partially naked, making out, and we would have both been perfectly happy. But he also probably knew that had he stopped here I would have murdered him in his sleep and Joanne would have helped. And anyway, he wanted this just as much as I did now.

Our tongues swirled slowly around in each other's mouths, a balance of power with neither one of us dominant, rather a shared lust. After a minute or so Collins broke contact and pulled back a little, then returned with the soft torturous kisses that I had yelled at him for earlier, except this time, I knew they were going somewhere. His lips brushed against mine and then slowly up my jaw line until he was able to suck on the very tip of my earlobe. I moaned and breathed heavily as his lips returned to mine and then moved up the opposite jaw, finding my other ear. Once again his lips found mine, but this time in a hard, closed mouth, kiss.

He slid his legs back a little so that his knees were more in front of my hips instead of next to them. This provided for a better angle as he kissed the base of my neck and then my collar bone. He moved my arms back to the position on top of the couch and I leaned my head back as well, leaving my chest entirely exposed to him. He took his time as he slowly covered my body in kisses, tracing what seemed like every line and contour above my waist with his firm lips. The torture was unbearable yet the feeling was amazing at the same time. There was nothing I could do but sit there, breathing heavily, with faint moans escaping every now and then. The lower he moved, the more I began to feel myself throbbing against the constraints of my blue jeans. I wanted more than anything to reach down and undo my belt, but I knew he would get there eventually.

Collins went as low as he could before reaching the waist of my pants. He moved his head back up and met my lips with his. As we kissed, his fingers slowly undid my belt, then the button on my jeans and then the zipper. Now I was really breathing heavily. He took my hands and said "here, stand up." He climbed off of me and stood up and then helped pull me up. He caught me in his arms and kissed me roughly. I was breathing very heavily and I think he noticed. "You okay?

"Yeah."

"You're sure you want this?""

I nodded. Most of my air was being spent on breathing, not much left to talk.

"Okay."

"Okay." I responded and we shared smiles.

As he kissed me, he pushed my hair out of my face, running one soft thumb along my forehead with his palm resting on my cheek. He moved down my body again, his hands dragging down my sides and his mouth placing short kisses straight down the center of my chest. He lowered himself until he was on his knees. He put his hands on either side of my hips, his thumbs moving over the waist of my jeans so that they were up against my bare skin. He slid my pants to ground, watching my face the entire time, looking for clues. I kicked my shoes off and stepped out of the legs of my pants so that he could move them off to the side with our shirts, leaving me standing in front of him with only my light blue checked boxers constraining me. The boxers immediately followed, using the same technique he had used on my jeans and my erection immediately sprung up. Instead of moving his mouth or hands onto me as I had expected, he stood back up and pulled me into a tight kiss, my bare body as close to his as possible.

Still kissing, he led me back to the couch. This time I sat with my back against the arm of the couch and my legs up on the seat, slightly spread. Collins legs were back beneath him so that his bent knees were right around where mine were, but inside my legs. He leaned forward to place one last soft torturous kiss on my lips before running one finger all the way down my chest and wrapping his large hand around the base of my cock. A quiet gasp slipped from my mouth. Then he put his other hand next to my hip to support himself on, while sliding his legs back so that he was lying stomach down on the couch except for his torso and head. He bent his elbow and slowly lowered himself until his lips closed around my head. Another gasp and more heavy breathing.

Now, keep in mind that I am by no means a virgin. Maureen and I did this plenty of times, but this was sooo different. It was amazing, and he hadn't even started yet. It took every speck of energy in my body to keep from coming right there and totally embarrassing myself. Anyway, back to the story, sorry for that interruption.

Slowly he began moving his head up and down on my cock. He stayed near the top, flicking his tongue just on the tip of my head. Then after a couple seconds of that he began to take me farther into his mouth, using his tongue to lick along the length of my shaft. The longer I tried to last the louder my gasps for air and moans became. Finally he started moving faster at a steady rhythm, moving both his hand and his lips until I came in his mouth. He swallowed and then dragged his still partially clothed body along mine and kissing me slowly but passionately on the lips, our tongues swirling around each other. I could taste myself on his tongue and lips.

He leaned back a little, looked me in the eyes and we both smiled. I was finally beginning to calm down and slow my breathing.

"You getting enough oxygen?" We laughed.

"Yeah."

"Okay." He leaned back in and kissed me, but not for long. "You know, we can't do much more with my pants still on."

"No, I didn't know. Wonder what we're going to do about that?"

"Since when did you become so sarcastic and innocent at the same time?"

"I don't know, maybe it transfers."

"Well that still doesn't help our situation."

"No, it doesn't"

"Well, what do you suggest?"

"Me, you know I have no idea what the hell I'm doing."

"Okay, then."

"So?"

"I have an idea."

"Okay."

"Okay. Stay right where you are."

"Alright…" Collins climbed off of me and walked over so that he was standing next to the couch, near my head. You wanna help me with this?" He said, pointing to his belt.

"Sure." I fiddled with his belt buckle until it came undone. I slipped his pants off him like he had done with me. He was erect. I swung my legs off the couch so I was now sitting normally, better positioned to take him in my mouth but he stepped away.

"Not now, later." Okay, I was really confused.

"Okay." I said hesitantly and moved back to my original position. He squatted down and grabbed something out of the back pocket of his pants before climbing back on top of me just like we had before. He leaned and kissed me softly on the lips before sitting back up. He opened the thing he got from his pocket, it was a condom.

"By the way," he said. "We had plenty of beer this morning."

"I know, I was wondering why you went out." He laughed. He unrolled the condom onto me.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa Collins. Shouldn't that be going on you. I have no idea, what I'm doing. I don't want to hurt you, I don't know what to – "

"Mark, chill out. It's okay. I'll still be in control."

"But – what? – oh."

"You're too cute." He leaned in and kissed me but I was still a little tense. "Relax, it's okay. Take some deep breaths." I listened, breathing deeply until my heart slowed down a bit.

"Okay."

"Okay?"

"Yeah."

"Alright." He smiled and then leaned in and kissed me on the forehead.

I was still sitting on the couch in the position from earlier, my back against the arm and my legs up on the seat. Collins crawled over my legs until his knees were all the way up by the side of my hips. His lips met mine, kissing me hard. One of his hands was on my side, the other wrapped around my cock. He slowly slid himself down onto me, just a little bit. I could feel the muscles in his butt relaxing to make way for the penetration. He only went about a ½ inch down before pulling himself back up and then going down again, this time farther. He continued this process taking me in a little farther each time until when he slid down he took me entirely in. Never once did he break the kiss, me just laying there, him doing all the work. Once he was on he took his hand from the base of my cock and moved it to my waste so that he was holding me on both sides. As he found a steady rhythm he broke the kiss and started kissing along my jaw line. My mouth remained open, breathing heavily. I was in total ecstasy. Soon enough his breathing fell in sync with mine as he sped up the rhythm. He stopped kissing and was just staring at me, his mouth in a pattern of gritted teeth and then opened wide for a gasp of air. I couldn't hold on much longer. Even though I had no idea was I was doing, I reached under him and wrapped my hand around his erect cock. He had not been expecting me to do anything and gasped when he felt contact. I moved my hand steadily up and down his cock trying to match the rhythm of our thrusting. I used the same technique I would have if masturbating myself, keeping a firm but not too tight grip and occasionally allowing for my thumb to brush over the very tip. I exploded into the condom but continued pumping my hand as he slid himself off of my cock. Just seconds later he ejaculated onto my bare chest. I didn't mind, but I didn't really know what to do, I couldn't move without spilling semen on the couch. He looked at me, smiled, then crouched down and began licking his own semen off of me. The touch of his tongue moving in long lines up my chest was torturous and I thought I might actually come again. But, seeing as he wasn't expecting that nor was he prepared, I fought to hold it back. When he finished he swallowed.

He climbed off the couch and then reached down to roll the condom off of my still-erect cock. He was still erect too. He walked over to the kitchen area and threw away the condom and then washed his hands. He came back with our beers that he had put on the kitchen table earlier.

"To us," he said as he handed me mine.

"To us." I responded, smiling.

"Come on, let's go take a cold shower," he said, extending his hand, which I took to help lift myself off the couch. I followed him to the shower. It was the best night ever.

~ Mark

* Much love goes out to Matt, the best consultant on gay sex…ever. That line at the end there is all for you!


End file.
